....Here is a dancing racoon...
This image contains more humour in it than the whole of the Fantastic Four!
Here is a Cat facing off with a Racoon...
This image contains more dramatic tension than is in the whole of the Fantastic Four!
Here is an animated Racoon with a gun!
This Racoon can act more convincingly than any of the cast of the Fantastic Four!
...Ok you get the idea!
It's a new week, so time for a new blog, and having been away for most of last week, I have a bit of catching up to do!
Before going off on a litre camping excursion last week, I had a Monday morning to kill, so I wandered down to the local multiplex, got me a large salted popcorn and decided, despite the murderous reviews, to give this film a chance!
On the outside, I thought it deserved a chance. Having thoroughly enjoyed Whiplash, I had discovered a newfound respect for Miles Teller's acting (let's forget about Divergent & Insurgent however!), I love House of Cards, so Kate Mara floated my boat, and if you're English who doesn't like Jamie Bell?! Well...before we begin, let's just say I don't think the cast are to blame for how stinkingly awful this film turned out to be, but calling this a tragic, car-crash, with multiple fatalities of a film, may just be an understatement of the year!
Who knows what happened in terms of directorship, editing and studio interference before the final cut was released to cinemas, but someone within those groupings needs to own up to blowing up their own work?!
The film starts well enough, it sets up the origin story of Reed Richards and Ben Grimm succinctly as a boy genius and his curious neighbour-cum-friend, working on Reed's 'teleportation device', giving both characters a tidy context from which to come...however after this point, which is about 10 minutes in, the film then starts to fall apart as quickly as a set of Ikea shelves made by Paris Hilton!
The film moves a decade on to find Reed being whisked away to the 'Baxter Building', which as far as the film explains (in side comments) is an institute of gifted 18 year olds, whom the US government has decided to charge with saving the world from an unspecified threat...
...And so continues the theme of the film...
...It continues for the next 60 minutes or so to make things happen, without providing any explanation or context.
For example:
Sue Storm manages to gain her powers of invisibility without going to the mysterious alien planet that the others get theirs from...why? WE DON'T GET TOLD!
Victor Von Doom gets lost on the alien planet, then manages to survive for a whole year and even gain a bad-ass looking cloak...how? WE DON'T GET TOLD!
Dr Doom gains the supernatural ability of being able to kill people and crush their heads (etc) just by blinking, yet when it comes to the final battle, he tries to destroy our Fantastic Heroes by punching them and throwing rocks at them...why? Has he forgotten his superpower abilities? WE DON'T GET TOLD
In the final battle, the heroes visit the mysterious alien planet in their 'saving the world' lycra suits, yet when they first went there they had to be suited and booted in space suits...why are they not now? WE DON't GET TOLD
I could go on...
...and on...
...and on with these, but you get the idea!
The editing continuity errors in this film are so bad that you find yourself trying to suppress outbursts of wrathful anger at the screen, 'BUT WHY?!' BUT HOW?! BUT THAT MAKES NO SENSE!?'
Now we know superhero origin stories work, if you don't believe that, you must have been living in a cage with only an ostrich for company over the last 10 years. So in principle this wasn't a bad idea....
...However in practice, the film failed in so many places, but especially in the writing that made it to screen. Basically, where Iron Man fought the 'Taliban' in a cave, Superman came out of a Krytonian Apocalypse, the Fantastic Four graduated school with some additional emotional baggage! Before we even go to the alien planet from where they gain their powers, the most interesting thing that happens are montages of actors drawing on whiteboards or typing super-intensely on keyboards. And where Superman & General Zod level Metropolis, and the Avengers leave about 3 trees standing in New York, the required superhero supper-battle at the end of this film is so short that a badly timed toilet break would mean you miss LITERALLY the whole thing!
Basically you have three options here:
1) See this film, and then spend 20 minutes whacking your head against a wall
2) Play with a racoon and have more fun than could ever be had here
3) Watch the two Fantastic Four films from the 00s and marvel at how Fox could manage to make a film that makes these two films look good!
Its your choice!
Verdict: Celery! This film doesn't even deserve a popcorn rating...I KNOW! It's that bad!
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